Updated: Sep 8
Father, in Jesus' name, here I am again showing up for duty yet if I'm honest not all that devoted to You. That is the reality of where I am in this season. But I do not want to stay here. I just know that apart from You that I am unable to move myself any closer to You. My natural proclivity is to do me, as I give in to my fleshy desires and drift on the current of this world further and further from You. There is no doubt of Your love for me. You showed how much You love me for Christ died for me while I was still a sinner (opposed to You, not living for You, nor having any desire for You). Sadly, even in light of this great truth my usual response is taking You and what You have done for me for granted.
God, You are not hard up. You do not need anything or anyone. Everything that You need, You are. Yet You have chosen me to be Your own knowing everything about me, including the seasons when my heart is lukewarm towards You. Sadly, even in those seasons people think that I am on fire for You. What does that say about the state of the Church, in particular those members that I find myself around? I am so tired of living like this as I hold back from You regularly that which is rightfully and fully Yours - me.
I do not even know how to properly confess and repent of my sins to You. I do not know how to humble myself before You the awesome, great, and majestic God. I do not know how to surrender to the Lordship of Jesus or yield to the powerful working of Your Holy Spirit in me. Regularly, I bow down to my belly as a god and serve it as I gluttonously desire and consume food while denying You the Sovereign Lord who bought me. I so often fail to bear witness for Jesus nor care about those around me who daily are running headlong towards Your wrath. I waste too much time living aimlessly instead of making the most of every opportunity that You have given me to glorify You.
I feel like my heart is so hard, I am stuck in my ways, and I'll never really change all that much. I am so apathetic, callous, cold, indifferent, proud, selfish, and unloving. I often fear people more than I do You. I am sick of myself. Make me so sick that I take drastic measures, as You empower me by Your Spirit, to put this body of sin to death. I know that I become comfortable with my sinful tendencies that keep me from enjoying intimate fellowship with You and others.
Jesus, like the lame man sitting at the pool at Bethesda, You are asking, 'Do you want to be well?' Instead of just saying 'Yes' I make excuses as to why I am sitting in this place. Why do I continue living like one who is a slave to sin when You have set me free? You have saved me out of the boiling cauldron of the world. It is so foolish for me, at times, to choose to willingly jump back into the wicked stew. This present evil age is so hostile and opposed to You and yet, if I am honest, it does not offend me all that much. What is wrong with me? Why do You continue to bear with me, pour out mercy and grace to me, and show me unbelievable patience?
I give up trying to live for You because apart from You I cannot. Teach and help me to confess and repent of my sins and yield to Your Holy Spirit. I do not want to live another day in this place just going through the motions. If this is the case, then just bring me home to Yourself so that I do not bring any disgrace, reproach or shame to Your great name. Do whatever You must to awaken me from the drunken stupor of this world. Set my heart ablaze with a passion for You that grows with an ever-increasing intensity until the day that I see You face to face. Amen!!!